Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Acceptance? Learning that I cannot accept what I do not know...

I don't fully understand what my limitations are yet. It seems to be trial and error and a terribly slow process.
I cannot accept what I do not know.
It seems the first part off this acceptance process is Awareness, then Grief about it... Then moving to acceptance,  then action.
Or maybe action then acceptance. ... Maybe simply there needs to be a Decision in there first.
Like expecting myself to have acceptance before going through the process of Steps 1-3 is actually putting the cart before the horse?

So Step 1 would be identifying many (all I know of currently) that are limitations. .. the WHAT that I am powerless over.
THEN moving to Step 2 of asking God to restore me to sanity by helping me Accept what I cannot change.
An THEN onto Step 3 - making a Decision to do different-to then hand what I identified in Step 1 over to His care,  telling Him I'm commit to trying my hardest to Accept & Trust. Even... asking for Him to help me to accept and trust when I'm unable, or am struggling so much with it. ...and asking to see myself through His eyes (Step 9 in Paths to Recovery)
Seeng myself through His eyes means allowing myself not to do it perfectly. Progress not Perfection...
What is good enough?
What is enough?
What is realistic?
Everyone has "been dying since the day they were born". (Song?)

My recovery had given me this awareness - that it is Not " Why me?", but rather "Why NOT me?"

I wasn't born holier than thou,  immune to humanity,  or disease, but rather one of many . One of many, trudging the road to happy destiny. One of many just trying to make a life worth living,  to Connect, to embody Life even when it seems to be such a small light compared to all the other candles. ..but when I compare,  I forget that all it takes is 1 small light at the end of a rope to start a large flame of Hope, warmth, comfort. ..

That doesn't make acceptance easier,  but atleast gives me direction.